Sunday, 1 June 2014

Joy and heartache.

It's a bittersweet thing to experience joy and heartache at the same time.  Joy at where my life is heading but heartache at remembering I am still grieving what I have left behind.  I have found a freedom I only ever dreamed of but at what cost?  Grief has a habit of reminding us what we have to deal with before rushing head first into a new life.  Not to hold us back but to set us free to move forward.  It's like a tug-o-war over your emotions.  Joy at the places you are moving into then something triggers a memory, an emotion and it's like someone shooting an arrow at your back pulling you into the past to deal with the things that make your heart feel too heavy in you're chest to even carry, let alone rely on to keep beating day after day...

But God is patient and full of compassion and is teaching me to be kind to myself by showing his kindness to me. I cannot believe how he has provided for me when all else has been swept away. Gods provision was there for me (and you) before I was born. Before I was even thought of, before my parents even met, God knew me and his provision was already there with the grace I would need for the choices I would make.  Stupid, vulnerable, broken choices.  What kind of crazy love is that?  And he has placed that kind of love in my heart to heal the broken places and to learn to love myself the way he loves me and to give out of that in love to others. Humbled.

I am nowhere near that place yet, it's a lifelong journey.  But...I will never walk away from the journey.  Not because I am clever or smart or wonderful and think I've got this but because he holds me there with his grace.  And he has shown me this love through others. If you're reading this, you are part of that provision.  Whether I have known you a long time or we have just met. Don't underestimate the power of healing just by being a part of someone else's life.

Today I am having to grieve. And it makes me want to hide.  Hide those vulnerable places that feel so tender and exposed, open wounds that need binding and an overdose of TLC. Thankfully I have a Heavenly Father who's in the business of TLC.  He knows what I need and he will see me through.  And in the process, I will still experience joy at the newness of life filled with promise and hope for the future.  I will keep moving forward.  Praise God!

J xx

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