dreams

I have had two dreams/desires over the years that have always stuck with me.  One has been to buy a motorbike and ride around Australia for a few months.  The other has been to open a Bed & Breakfast and to also be able to use it as a weekend retreat for women who just need a break from everyday life because of difficult circumstances.  Both those dreams, God willing, are about to become my reality!

It's taken me a while, I can be a slow learner, but I've realised that if I want my dreams to become reality I have to not be afraid to follow the true desires of my heart and to not be afraid to search where those desires are coming from.  On the surface those dreams and desires can look selfish to others and even feel selfish within myself but that's where the courage to search for what's really going on begins.  Not to give justification or to defend those decisions but to know that they are coming from somewhere real and honest and not based on what you think you should do or what others expect from you.  The only person I truly care about being on my side at the end of the day is God.  I find he is much less judgemental and critical and far more compassionate and understanding than I am even to myself.  I understand the wisdom of seeking out wise counsel from those that truly know me and understand where I am coming from because without their support, I could not be doing what I am doing.  But ultimately, the buck stops with me and my relationship with God.  And I'm ok about that.

My point?  Don't give up on your dreams!  I have been through one of the worst times over the last year and never dreamed I would be embracing life the way I am and making some exciting, wonderful and adventurous plans... albeit scary and challenging and confronting as well!  But that's one of the things I love about it.  I like to be stretched and challenged, to keep learning and growing and encouraging others to do the same.  Having been brought up with so much fear instilled into my life about just about everything, it is pure freedom to realise I don't have to live like that.

I am finding this time in my life to be incredibly lonely and at times that is crippling and brings me undone.  But I have a learned to be resilient.  (To bounce back up in a way that has nothing to do with the oncoming of middle age spread ;) )   I love where my life is heading, I love the opportunities I have been given and I am incredibly grateful for them and for the way God has just flung open doors to get me to where I am today.  I have never felt his presence more or his walking beside me, leading me, even when I'm sure he must just throw his head in his hands and say 'here she goes again' and has to summon up more angels to follow where I tread haha!  But that's ok because his grace and love and desire to see me live a fulfilled life is way above anything I care to do or places I want to go. And he knows my heart...

These desires are His desires.  I am convinced of that because I am doing it in the face of real fear.  Fear of failure, fear of becoming that insecure, shy teenage girl that I always was and is still very much a part of me that I am constantly learning to care for.  Fear of letting others down who believe in me.  Fear or never fulfilling my dreams and living an empty life.  It is His strength that sees me through, that gives me courage and helps me to embrace life in the face of grief and hurt and pain. 

I am so grateful for the encouragement I have received about my new home and my biking adventure.  God places us in positions where we are not alone because he created us to be in community.  I have reconnected with old friends who have been instrumental in helping me be who I am today and I have been embraced by new friends who have already impacted my life in such a short space of time.  I see him building new community around me and I am humbled and thankful.

I kind of feel like this has been a bit of a long winded and slightly gushy (sorry!) post today but I hope you see the heart of what I am trying to say and if you don't, that's ok too because He does and He is my all in all, my rock, my shelter and always my salvation.

Love ya... J xx

the journey

My life has changed more over the last 6 months than I think it has at any other time in my life...  or so it seems.  Every day has been a new journey in and of itself with more than enough to handle for that one day.  It reminds me of this verse in Mathew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  I have lived that out so many times over the last few months and gone to bed each and every day exhausted in ways that have left me feeling like I didn't even have the energy to sleep, but grateful that God has been leading the way.  It's been one of the most difficult times of my life and I have cried tears that I didn't know I had left in me to cry.  I have also rejoiced and laughed with my beautiful girls who have been a constant in my life when so much has been changing.  What an absolute blessing and joy they are... and still the journey continues.

I have had friends that have stepped in where others have walked away and I have learned to rejoice in this and let hurt go which is a life long process we all go through.  God is in control and I constantly fight against my own anger and disappointed to remember this.  And when I do, peace comes.

What lies ahead I have no idea, absolutely no idea but I have learned that I have choices I can make along the way.  Choices in attitude, in what I do with my time, in who I spend that time with.  I have choices in the way I treat others and how I treat myself.  I have learned that I would rather have God confidence than self confidence which can be eroded at the first sign of a harsh word or a turned back.  I have learned that we all make mistakes and need to forgive ourselves as much as we as asked to forgive others. 

Some things I am still stubborn about and grateful for God's patience and mercy and grace to cover me while I work through those things.  

I am grateful for the journey and Gods provision through it for I have no doubt he opened doors that I thought were bolted shut and felt completely overwhelmed as to how I would walk through them.  It was almost like a vision he gave me of him leading the way.  I can still see it, God has an look of absolute joy on his face as he leads me and tells me there is more in store that what I see.  It helped me go on and realise that sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places.

I have a long way to go, we all do, and that's ok.  We are only meant to live one day at a time so all we have to do is think on today and make the best of it for what it is and trust God's hand in it.   

The verse before the one I quoted above says this:  

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you".  Matthew 6:33

To be honest with you, I am not great at this.  As I said I can be stubborn and think I know what's best but I am committed to at least trying to work this out in my life and trusting God will come and meet me there and take my hand for the next part of the journey.  He has set me free and each day is a choice to walk in his freedom.  I know seeking His kingdom is a key in doing that.

Please pray for me as I continue on this journey and I will join you in prayer in my spirit for your journey as well.

Blessings to you... Love Nel xx