Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Little Ms Indpenedent

I have always been an independent kind of person.  At times it's had me labelled as stubborn although it's usually when I don't do what the other person thinks I should do rather than allowing me to be me.  As a consequence I have always had to fight just to be myself or make myself heard and was no doubt rather ungracious in my execution...  I was never allowed too  much autonomy in my earlier years.  As long as I fit within what was acceptable then I was acceptable, otherwise I was being stubborn or just plain difficult.  Now I get that there are some things growing up that you just have to do whether you like it or not because others know best.  That's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about being you, making choices and decisions that define who you are as a person.  Gaining respect for who you are and being in relationships where you are loved and accepted for who you are and not having to fit into someone else ideal of who you should be.

The consequences of that can be disasterous.  Becoming a people pleaser because that's what gets you accepted and loved.  Not knowing who you are and how to make choices because it's always been done or manipulated for you.  Being easily manipulated.  Afraid to ask for help because you've been told what you should and shouldn't and can and can't do for so long that asking for help seems weak and confirms in your mind you are incapable.  When help is accepted, feeling like you've failed and continually need to show gratitude for putting someone out and being a burden.  I could go on....

Anyone relate?

As a result, I have always loathed asking for help which has made me look like I don't need or want it.  What a complex life we create out of our insecurities.  I have missed out on a lot by appearing so outwardly confident and capable but I have been so badly burned by being vulnerable in the wrong places that sometimes it's hard to know how to get the balance right.

If I had trusted my instincts and listened to my heart and balanced it out with my head I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartache, and not caused so much for others...

I am having to ask for help more at this time of my life than I have ever needed to before.  And that is confronting all of these things.  Am I a burden?  Do people really love me or do they just feel sorry for me?  How do I show gratitude?  Seriously, this should be simple stuff right? 

I need support, we all do, and we need to find it in a safe and loving environment where we know people love and accept us for who we are.  Finding that place can be tough and there can be many dead ends along the way.  I find that starting over in middle age is hard because so many adult friendships have already been established over a period of years and it's hard for them to let someone else in.  You don't have that history connecting you and let's face it, we are all busy and who needs another person in their already busy life right?

I don't have answers, sorry!  I ask myself these questions regularly because I am so aware of trying to do the right thing because that's what I was taught.  No wonder I am tired and sometimes just want to tell everyone to go away (being very polite here... it's how I was taught to be!) 

I know I am capable of many things but I can't do everything and none of us can.  It doesn't mean I am needy it just makes me human.  I will no doubt have challenges in my next move to my new home.  From packing up this one to setting up the new one.  And I will no doubt have to ask for help and I have been very kindly offered help from some wonderful friends.  Accepting it is a humbling thing to do and perhaps that's what I am meant to learn from all of this rambling... be humble, be grateful and be generous in return for when others need help too.  That after all is what relationships are all about.  Give and take, supporting and caring for one another.  Loving each other through the good times and the bad.  I need to start trusting my instincts on who are the right people to share life with.  Looking for God's provision in practical ways and embracing it as an act of his love for me and being his hands and feet for others when they need it too. 

I don't find it easy but I am learning and realising it's ok to be me.  I am ok, even though I sometimes fail.  I am still ok.

J xx

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